Yes! I'm Highly Sensitive!

I created the blog “Yes, I’m Highly Sensitive!” as a place to voice my feelings about being a Highly Sensitive Person. It’s my catharsis, and I plan to fill it with both humor and sincere reflections. My hope is that it may be helpful in some way to others who are either highly sensitive or know someone who is, which is pretty much everyone.

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After having lived on the planet for 39 years, I “came out” as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). It was my husband, Robert, who outed me. Honestly, I didn’t even know there was a scientific term to describe me, with an acronym and all. Cool. Of course, I always knew I was intensely sensitive, and as if I couldn’t detect it on my own, pretty much everyone close to me my entire life has informed me of the same, usually in some unhelpful way. But, what I didn’t know was that there are scientists in the world dedicated to studying the trait of sensitivity in all kinds of animals, and they have discovered measurable characteristics that are biologically distinct in about 15-20% of the population of a variety of species, from humans to horses, dogs, and other mammals. So, it really is “a thing.” It’s not all in your head. Or, it’s not only in your head.

But I digress… This is my coming out story. It happened at a small gathering. Robert and I were over at a friend’s house sitting around a picnic table. I don’t recall the exact question that brought it up, but Robert responded to the question with, “Of course that would be Suzanne’s reaction because she’s a Highly Sensitive Person.” I mentally stopped in my tracks. “What?!,” my inner voice screamed. “What do you MEAN by that?!” But I said nothing, simply brewing over the comment until the two of us went home, at which point I asked him directly what he meant. Because, of course, being highly sensitive, I was not so rude to have an argument there and then, but I had to understand this issue that I interpreted as a personal attack. I am just so accustomed to being criticized for my sensitivity that outrage is my “go to” emotion. "You're too sensitive!" is something I've heard more times than I can count, and each time one hears it, the words reinforce the belief that there is something wrong with being sensitive. Luckily my husband has grown to understand this and, rather than taking it personally, he responded with information (the best way to diffuse unnecessary outrage). He told me about an article he read in the Huffington Post about Highly Sensitive People, and he knew when he read it that it was me in a nutshell. So, of course I had to run to the computer and look up the article to determine whether or not I should be offended. What I found instead turned out to be one of the most self-affirming moments of my life.

The article described the work of Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychologist and HSP who has been studying the trait for most of her professional career.  I do not remember being overwhelmed by the article itself, but the result was that I went looking for Dr. Aron immediately. Her book The Highly Sensitive Person was such a revelation to me that I voraciously consumed it in the span of two evenings.  She lays out the science and outlines a cluster of personality traits that are found in most HSPs. Neuroscientists studying the trait have found that the brains of HSPs literally work differently.  The areas of the brain involved in depth processing are much more active in HSPs than in our not-as-sensitive counterparts. Plus, our nervous systems are genetically wired to release a higher level of cortisol in response to stress, making our feelings literally more intense than the rest of the population’s. It’s a neuro-chemical, biological reaction that is innate. Learning that was my “aha” moment.  I realized “it’s not my fault.”

I was born this way. It’s like having blue eyes and curly hair. These are just traits that were passed down to me. I have always been shamed for my intense reactions. Sensitivity was always understood as a flaw, something that was immature and should be coached away by "getting tougher." The truth is that other people don’t really know what to do with sensitive people because they do not experience the world in the same way. They seem to think that we MUST be exaggerating something.  In my case, I developed a feeling that I was unlovable because, at my core, there was something really wrong with me. What I know now is that there IS something different about me, as well as around 20% of the other humans on the planet, but that isn’t wrong or bad. It's not something that you can change, either. It just IS. Here’s how you might know if you’re highly sensitive…

There are four central qualities held in common by Highly Sensitive People, described by Dr. Aron’s acronym DOES: D – deep cognitive processing, O – easily overstimulated, E – emotional reactivity and empathy, and S – sensitive to the subtle. Dr. Aron notes that the core feature of sensitivity is that you deeply process everything. You take in the whole scene and absorb everything in it, down to the details. You are deeply emotionally affected by the struggles of other people (empathic). Because of these traits, highly sensitive people can become overwhelmed by the world. It’s easy to see why! If you are taking everything in, processing it deeply, and allowing your heart to break for every tragedy you see, the world feels VERY intense. Too intense. 

If you suffer a childhood trauma, then these reactions can become exaggerated beyond what our less-sensitive counterparts can possibly understand. Sensitivity can become crippling, and if you don't recognize it for what it is, an over-stimulated nervous system, it can feel like a mental illness. There have been so many moments in life where I questioned my mental stability. I never once was told, "Your sensitivity is natural. You are simply over-stimulated." Instead I heard, "Why do you take things so hard? Just relax. You're ok." These kinds of conversations are intended to be helpful, but instead, they disavow the real and present distress that sensitive people feel. Our reactions are seen as character flaws rather than a finely tuned nervous system that is acutely aware of subtleties that go unnoticed by other people. 

In fact, there are biological advantages to being sensitive and having other sensitive people in your group. Sensitive people are more aware of danger and pause to reflect before jumping wildly into the unknown. We genuinely care about the welfare of the group, about the feelings going on inside of other people. And this isn't because we're so holy; we're literally wired that way in our brains. When a sensitive system is properly nurtured, it can help you to develop into a loving and generous human being. However, when it is not properly understood and cared for, these sensitivities can get out of control. Everything becomes a hot button because it's your biological predisposition to notice everything. This can feel very disorienting, especially because our feelings are not mirrored by the majority of other people.

Seeing science weigh in on the question of “why I am how I am” totally depersonalized it for me. These reactions ARE normal for sensitive people. It took the sting out of being sensitive. For someone who has always felt like an outsider, reading Dr. Aron's book was the first time I saw myself as one of a group of others who were born with qualities much like me.

There are so many little things about being sensitive that feel random, but when viewed through the lens of the experience of other HSPs, they are a cohesive set of qualities. Learning about other HSPs helped me understand my little quirks that seem to perplex not-highly-sensitive people… such as when I jump like a cat when I hear any sudden noise. I have an unpleasant, visceral reaction to violent and horrific movies, especially zombie movies but also anything that involves gory death. Other people seem to enjoy these things, but I just can’t get passed the urge of wanting to curl into the fetal position to protect my eyes. If I ever reflected on these reactions, I would probably have agreed with what they said, “She’s weird!” In fact, my own personal judgements about virtually every aspect of how I react to the world changed when I read Dr. Aron’s work.

Right after having read her book, I felt like an evangelist. I simply HAD to share what I perceived as a life-altering experience. I don’t usually put anything too personal online, but I reached out on social media to share with the world about the science describing being highly sensitive. I posted a basic description of the trait and a link to Dr. Aron’s blog. The reactions I got were really interesting. For one thing, I got a great number of comments, way more than is typical for me. Friends who I have known for years commented, “Wow, I never knew!” And with each of those friends who likewise came out as HSPs, you know, I already knew they were J Now, I feel like I have HSP-dar, but I don’t go around outing people. I do, however, share my story when it’s relevant to the conversation and seems like it will help. Because, honestly, if I had understood myself in this way as a younger person, I feel like the entire course of my adult life would have been less of a struggle. Perhaps I would have learned better ways of addressing overwhelm and had in general a less self-depreciating attitude when I did get overwhelmed. Perhaps I could have dealt with my reactions more honestly instead of critiquing and blaming myself for being who I am, and what do most of us need but more honest forms of self-love?

However, I do not believe in deluding myself or blowing smoke up anyone else’s ass. Another quality we HSPs share is an intense need for honesty. I have noticed since coming out that there are some HSPs in the world who only want to talk about the good qualities of being an HSP, and there are a bunch of good things that you can say... We are empathic, creative, and modest J But, what compels me to write is not to extoll the virtues of the highly sensitive. My muse comes out of the moments in my life that were the opposite of epic or glorious. The stories that I replay in my mind the most frequently involve some intense, negative reaction. I always felt misunderstood, both by myself and by other people. In my next posts, I will share stories that might be reframed with greater self-understanding. Maybe if you are highly sensitive, you’ll see yourself in these stories, and hopefully you’ll feel a little bit more willing to let that shit go. That’s what I want to do. And, I want to go beyond letting go. I want to learn how to love my intense reactions to the world through greater understanding and the occasional deep-bellied giggle, the best medicine.